my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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