oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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