Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
