Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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