He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Text me some of your sweat
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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