You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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