Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
