My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
