I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
