Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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