i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
