ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
