I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize