I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
