I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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