My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
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Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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