he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
