At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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