apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
this boner is exhausting
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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