Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
