On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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