mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...