Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism