I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
