good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
