Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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