captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
