Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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