hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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