I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
