im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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