She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
