Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
