Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
