There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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