My liver just broke up with me...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
