You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
