Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
