Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
