sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
