When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
