Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.