Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize