are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
