remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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