Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
