Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
