I just pynch a tree in the face
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
