She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
