i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
