her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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