I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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