I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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