Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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