look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
