The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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