I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
