new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Is it because I queefed?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
