my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
