Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
